Friday, November 7, 2014

;(


the week has been painfully emotional and heartbreaking having to witness the pain she is going through. throughout 23 years of my life, she has always been my physically healthy granny. she was spared with all those nasty heart conditions and what-have-yous but was diagnosed with dementia two/three years ago. even so i could greet her and have actual conversation with her. i would always look forward to days where she slept at my place. even if it means having her scaring us all by her imagination that someone is watching us from the bedroom or having sleepless night by her constant bugging of "i want to go home / i want to see your uncle / i want to go to the wash room" i definitely wouldn't mind all those vulgarities coming out from her mouth whenever we watches the telly together. it is pretty funny and entertaining at times.

it pains me how we couldn't hear all those now. it pains me to see lying on the hospital bed for the very first time. our helper told me that when she was well she used to eat a lot in the day and night. but all that she is getting now is cans of ensure milk through the feeding tube. it's no wonder i hear her stomach growl so loud even after those feeding sesh.   

it must be a blessing in disguise to have my gap year now. i get to take care of her and spend more time with her, (at least) making it up to her for those days where i haven't been visiting her and for those first few years of my life where she took great care of me. this is definitely nothing compared to all her sacrifices which is why she is never forgotten in my prayers. as each day passes, i am a step closer to losing her but... i know i will never ever be ready to lose her. 

i love you, nenek.

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